This blog post has been a long time coming.
This is a very difficult & personal thing to write openly about…but as I view this blog as my personal journal & quite honestly, a type of therapy I am going forward with it nonetheless because it matters and is a significant turning point in my journey.
With 2016 coming to an end and the bright shiny promise of a new year ahead it seems fitting to reflect and set new intentions for 2017.
My intentions, goals, resolutions, hopes, aspirations for 2017 include (but are not limited to) committing to consistently and actively participating in the pursuit of loving myself and healing from my disordered relationship with food and body image.
I don’t think I even fully realized how obsessive my behavior has been and is towards food until just recently. I knew that I struggled and I just labeled it as that. “I struggle with nutrition”…whatever that means.
When really, the amount of time I spend agonizing, stressing, scrutinizing, worrying, feeling guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, sadness, helplessness, anger, fear, disgust….in regards to how, when, what I feed myself on a daily basis is really not healthy. In fact, it’s extremely damaging & unhealthy.
By really focusing on myself inwardly, doing some real hard personal work I am starting to have some real self awareness. It’s not easy, in fact it’s really fucking hard and pretty fucking ugly at times. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and gives me the urge to bolt. And I have learned to never underestimate the urge to bolt. It’s a powerful message that needs to be examined closely. Embraced, heard and felt.
I’m recognizing this and realizing that for me, at this point in my life and in my journey I need to take some damaging behaviors and programming that has taken me 33 years to learn…and unlearn, deprogram, reteach, shift…and even break open.
and for me…it starts with Food.
I need to STOP restricting, obsessing, binging, hiding, fearing FOOD.
Which means I have to do something that scares the absolute SHIT out of me.
I need to let go and free fall…release the reigns…no longer try to control or figure out, not have a plan for what I eat…I need to literally go rogue with my nutrition and learn to TRUST MY GUT…
*Giving up an internalized patriarchy and ties to something I was taught I want…that I actually don’t want…
*Committing to Letting go of trying to control my size and shape
*Stopping the restrition
*Taking the charge out of food
*Eliminating ‘rules’ associated with food
*Letting go of labels pertaining to my body and my worth
*Making the decision to let my body weigh what it’s going to weigh
“Holy shit…can you do that?”
Yes, in fact I think I can. I discovered that I am allowed to give myself permission to listen to my inner guide and begin to rebuild the trust that has been so broken, for so long with my body, my heart & my mind. To reconnect, to come home to myself and love me for me. With no expectation or ulterior motive other than repair the damage from a war I no longer want to fight.
I’m just done.
I’ve come to terms with what I need, want and what my message is in regards to what I do as a Coach…and this is it:
I want to empower myself first. I want to accept myself as I am, trust myself, listen to myself and own who I am wholeheartedly. Honestly.
I believe in what I do. I absolutely stand behind the products I represent. I love the Team Beachbody fitness programs & Shakeology but I will no longer do the nutrition plans or give advice on the nutrition plans, or weight loss. I will no longer create meal plans or run nutrition challenges or offer any information/advice pertaining to meal planning or nutrition. I am in no way giving negative opinions on the nutrition plans as they have a place and are amazing tools for people. However, in my journey to healing I can no longer be on a specific plan.
I will focus on fitness as it is what I love. It empowers me. It makes me feel GOOD!
I will drink Shakeology because it makes me feel GOOD and I love it. Not for any other reason.
I will share my journey and work with women who are ready, like me, to work on self love, self compassion, self acceptance through personal development, open conversation, education, fitness and support.
I am no longer concerned with what I weigh and will no longer use a scale or measuring tape. My only interest lies in fully accepting and appreciating myself, my body, my mind, my heart and connecting with women to help them achieve the same.
This is 100% the right direction for me in my journey now and I can’t explain how good it feels to be able to be in this moment now.
I know that this will be really hard for me. Unlearning, reteaching and reprogramming is HARD!
But that’s the thing, once you become aware…you can’t go back. Once your soul decides to speak up and everything in you screams STOP!
The clarity comes and you know what you need to do.
You don’t know the details or how you will get through it, but you know it’s already begun and you can’t go back.
At least for me, this is how it’s unfolding.
So, with honesty and gratitude I’ll be continuing my journey in this way.
Failing forward and embracing the struggle, the challenges and the growth, and sharing it with you along the way.