Man…I had some memories pop up on my timeline today and it really made me stop and reflect how much life has changed…4 years ago today was the first day I went back to work from my maternity leave with Mason…
I remember that day SO clearly. I was so filled with anxiety, stress and emotion I thought I was going to implode.
I had found an INCREDIBLE day home which is truly one of the only things that made that day bearable for me…and I returned after 12 months away from a job that I cared nothing for.
I remember the inner conflict that just would tear away at me as I tried to navigate this new routine…pumping in the bathroom stall at work, receiving text messages from my amazing dayhome sharing with me updates on how Mason was doing…I would burst into tears in that bathroom stall.
I knew I needed to work to help provide for my family but I remember just thinking, “how can I be ok giving away this much of my time, my time away from my son, towards something that means NOTHING to me. That I have no connection to, no passion for? There HAS to be a better way. I have to change this”
This feeling compounded all the more with Mason getting incredibly sick for the first couple of months at his day home, which led me to miss a LOT of work to stay home and care for him…I remember getting called into my bosses office and being questioned as to if I was being truthful about all the time I was needing to miss, and having to reduce my pay…and ultimately being given a probation because it didn’t seem to be working out.
I remember my boss (who did not have children) saying to me…”You know, young children get fevers and seem ill when they are teething, just something to think about”.
….needless to say I left that job as soon as I could possibly find another job…
I thought changing jobs, and going into a more flexible work environment would help me and then I could just clock in, clock out, and at least have more flexibility to meet the needs of what comes up when you have young kids and you’re working full time.
But something was STILL missing, I still was just having such a hard time adjusting to the work that I did not have a connection with and knowing that all this time spent “clocking in and out” I would never get back from being away from my son…it just seemed so wrong to me.
During all of this time of stress, change and uncertainty I became increasingly depressed, I wasn’t taking care of myself, none of my clothes fit anymore, I was having horrible stomach issues and I was exhausted ALL the time…
After almost a year of all of this, I connected with my incredible Coach Alida Steele <3…two complete strangers who crossed paths on Instagram of all places.
Through this connection I found my purpose. My path. A passion that has completely changed me and my life from the negative direction I was headed. I also found ME again. I started taking care of myself through exercise & nutrition and personal development…the fog of the depression and the lack of self care started to lift..
I know now, that I was being taught a valuable lesson during that incredibly hard first year of transitioning into a working mother…endurance. Integrity and resolve.
It became SO clear to me what I needed to do and because of everything I had been through I knew that I would do everything in my power to make it happen. My Coach showed me that it was possible to achieve the things I wanted so badly in my life, because she took action and actually made them happen…the proof was right in front of me…on a DAILY BASIS
So I continued to work full time in a job that tested me on a daily basis. I wanted to quit that job EVERY SINGLE DAY…but I stuck it out and I also, started working as a Coach, just like my Coach did. I started building a business while transforming my own life through fitness and connection with other women just like me.
I woke up early, worked through my lunches and I stayed up late. There were no time for excuses because I had a crystal clear goal of what I wanted.
I wanted to replace my full time income and FINALLY work for myself, pursuing my purpose and doing something that made ME proud. Made that time away from my kid feel like it was serving all of us instead of hurting us.
I just put my head down and I worked. Towards the end of that first year as a Coach I became pregnant with my second son and that lit the fire even brighter in my belly to make this a reality for me and my family so I kept working these two jobs simultaneously.
In Februrary of 2015 I was able to leave my full time corporate job and know that I would not need to return…Just over 1 year after becoming a Coach.
This post really is just a journal entry, one I felt I needed to write publicly…just all in one shot and release it out there into social media land…not for any other reason that to let you know that YOU are your only problem and also your only SOLUTION.
Everything you need to make the life you want to live, the way you want to live it, as the person you were destined to be is within YOU.
You already have the answers, you already have the ability, you already have the wisdom…you just need to shut out the noise of the outside world and reconnect with your inner self…your intuition, your spirit. YOU.
Self belief. Re-connection. Action. Integrity. Endurance. Patience. Persistence. Resilience. Positivity. Faith. Explore these things, observe, interpret and apply.
Stop wishing. Get outside your brain. Re-connect with your gut, your heart and your body – you already know the answer, you already know what you need to do. You just have to listen and take action.
it’s messy, scary, uncomfortable and HARD….sounds super fun right?
But it’s WORTH IT.
Through all of this I’m STILL learning, still navigating but I’m making choices and decisions that are part of the plan I WANT for my life.
4 years ago I never would have imagined I would be here…working from home, FINALLY going through Yoga Teacher Training, cohosting a podcast with my dearest friend (who I connected with because of this opportunity!) and now launching Kindred
Sometimes I literally have to pinch myself…
Turn off the auto pilot and get back in the driver seat. Life is too short.
We are all destined for something special, you just have to be courageous enough to own your power and stand in it proudly. AND not be afraid of the rough parts and hard work that come with it <3
…Long story short…I’m so thankful I woke up and decided to work hard to turn a dream into a reality that makes me wake up with gratitude every day for the freedom I have to live my purpose and for the opportunities it provides me to continue to grow and learn and thrive…even if it’s messy, confusing and uncomfortable 🙂
Because that’s really what life is <3